1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
