I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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