I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
