i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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