tell your sister to shave her snatch
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just found puke in my bra..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
don't judge my taste in strippers
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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