just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
