There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
