Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
