matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
