if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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