Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
