No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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