I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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