Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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