My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
