I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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