Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
