youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
