I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
