i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
