watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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