I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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