He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
