I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
