im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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