Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
