I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
