Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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