i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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