I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
