judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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