thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize