he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sorry about my life...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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