I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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