I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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