I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
