I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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