I think I just saw someone hide a body.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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