you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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