I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
