The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
