Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
