Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
