Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
