Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
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