I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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