omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
