I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
