My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
