Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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