you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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