I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
