Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
