Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
