Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
