watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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